I know I’m not alone when I say that being vulnerable is challenging. Allowing somebody to see every single crack and fracture. The sides of you that you may not be entirely proud of. The tears, the heart ache, the pain. The shadow that always follows you but is rarely noticed. It’s uncomfortable to be raw and exposed. So, we avoid it. We avoid talking about the way we feel or opening up about our past experiences. We are afraid of the potential judgement, speculation, or distancing that might occur. The pain that we might endure in order to be true to our authentic selves. We long to be close to those that we love, but consistently fear the retaliation that being vulnerable might procure.
And yet, being vulnerable is the only thing that will allow us to get closer to the people that we love.
This past week has been challenging for me. The current state of the world, my job, school, and family issues have worn my emotional tether quite thin. Because of these circumstances, I have found myself in an increasingly vulnerable state, crying at the drop of a hat, becoming anxious for no apparent reason, feeling guilty for feeling...
And let me tell you: It. Is. Exhausting.
Being vulnerable is something that I have had to re-learn over the past few months. From a young age, we learn to be vulnerable through the reactions and actions of others. Whether such vulnerability is acceptable or not, and who we can or cannot be vulnerable with. Life experience shapes the course of our vulnerability, sometimes in more advantageous ways than others. I used to be vulnerable. I was brave in the way that I was open about who I was and my past life experiences. I was brave in the face of rejection. I didn’t care if I was too much or too little for anybody else, because I had faith in myself. I knew that those who didn’t accept me for exactly who I was weren’t meant to be in my life anyway.
So, what happened? Over the course of a few years, as I entered adulthood, I became increasingly self-critical. I told myself that people wouldn’t like me if they knew everything about me. And I surrounded myself with people who made that assumption a reality. I lost touch with my authentic self and allowed my identity to be molded by those who entered my life; Those who I thought loved me for ‘who I was’. Little did I know that they loved me only for the person they perceived me to be. The fact of the matter is, the less vulnerable you are, the less a person knows the true you.
Eventually, no matter how much glue you use, your cracks will begin to show. The more I withheld my truth, the more it broke through.
Growing up, I never realized how much self-acceptance and vulnerability had to do with one another. Furthermore, I never realized how much self-worth had to do with feeling safe being vulnerable with yourself and those that you love. It wasn’t until recently that I realized just how big my walls had become. When I tried to speak my truth, it felt like sandpaper on my vocal chords. My heart clenched in fear of disapproval and my mind frantically searched for a way out. Immediately, the moment I became vulnerable, I felt my body go into ‘fight or flight mode’. I was frozen for what seemed like eternity, waiting for a response.
When somebody truly cares about you, cherishes you, and shows you compassion, being vulnerable will be nothing but open arms to better understanding and awareness. The moment when your vulnerability is met with love, is the moment that you realize that being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. Being vulnerable is one of the strongest and most self-righteous things that you can do. Not only does it allow those you care about to have a better understanding of you, but it can also allow you to have a better understanding of yourself. Being vulnerable means ‘being seen’ for who and what you are and there is nothing more gratifying than that. It serves as an opportunity for growth, healing, and connection.
To be clear, there are multiple kinds of vulnerability: physical, emotional, social, and economic. While all types of vulnerability hold the potential for hurt, emotional vulnerability holds a unique space within our psyche. The potential hurt that emotional vulnerability exposes is unique in that the pain is abstract and invisible. Everybody is different, and so too are our tolerances to emotional turmoil in the form of rejection or misunderstanding. In consideration of this ‘risk’, one must also recognize the risk of being ‘closed off’. By rejecting vulnerability and ‘closing yourself off’ one can expect nothing but misconceptions, assumptions, and loneliness. Like a secret, denying vulnerability with loved ones can have severe negative impacts on the mind. Not only can it promote internal turbulence, but it can also create a sense of desertion. Keeping our vulnerable thoughts inside, we may even begin to harbor resentment against those who may not know any better.
In the end, even though being vulnerable can seem uncomfortable and frightening, it ends up serving us by allowing us to be true to ourselves. Like all things, being vulnerable gets easier over time with consistent practice.
Being vulnerable is challenging, even for me. Even when I’m speaking with beloved friends or family. Even when I’m speaking to my partner! The aches and pains of the mind will continue to weigh on you until they are taken care of, and sometimes, being vulnerable is the only way. Because of my personal struggles with vulnerability, I wanted to provide some suggestions that have helped me continue to overcome the associated angst:
- Know what you want to say and how you want to say it. Being vulnerable is scary to begin with. If you’re thinking about having a challenging conversation with somebody, ‘planning out’ how to have the conversation in advance can help you remain calm when it goes down.
- Remember that this is your truth and nobody can tell you otherwise. Not everybody will understand, and that is ok.
- If you are afraid of rejection or negative consequences, remember that the people who love you will listen with compassion. More often than not, people want to understand you.
- Remember that being vulnerable is not your only option. If you are feeling pressured to open up or overtly uncomfortable, follow your intuition and check your thinking. If bells are going off, listen to them.
In addition, here is an article that I found to be quite interesting and eye-opening considering vulnerability and it’s associated discomfort: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200810/the-power-be-vulnerable-part-1-3
Last but not least: Breath.
You’ve got this.
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