Words are great and they are everywhere. They are fluid when said in specific tones; inspiring, motivating, and even hurtful and heart breaking. The impact that a word can have on somebody can leave residue for days. String those words together, and you can leave a scar. Words can be tricky; they can mean more to one person than they do to another. They can start a fight, move the nation, and even end a war. They can change a life for the greater good, or for the worst.
Positive, negative, and neutral; globally, there is a word for everything.
So, what do you do when you hear words that hurt you and when do you subconsciously choose to give those words so much meaning? Is it the words themselves? Or the people who say them?
Is it the words themselves? Or the people who say them?
In my experience, I have found that it isn’t so much the words being said that hold so much weight, but rather, the people who say them. For example, if a stranger were to tell me that they thought I was stupid, it might hurt my feelings momentarily, but I would soon get over it. I would cast the strangers’ opinion aside because their perception of me does not matter; I do not know them, so why should I care? If though, in the same scenario, my sister was to call me stupid, I would be much more upset.
I believe this is because of how much we value the person. Whether it be consciously or subconsciously, the connection that we hold with the person greatly affects the weight of their words.
Recently, somebody said something to me that hurt my feelings. I care for this person deeply, and they had absolutely no idea that what they said hurt. Their comment was structured so that the sentence first mentioned something positive, and then went on to negate what was initially said. It left me feeling confused, wondering if I should be happy about the positive or offended by the negative. This is what most people call a ‘back-handed compliment’ or ‘sugarcoating’.
Initially, I went on with the conversation. I chose to ignore the momentary agitation and enjoy the rest of what was being said. As the evening went on, I continued to contemplate what was said, and found myself digging a mental rabbit hole.
I know that this comment stung because of how much I value this person and their impact on my life. I consciously recognize and facilitate having a positive relationship with this person, which lead me to my next internal question: do I tell them? And, if I do, what next? Following my internal quandary, I began to wonder…
At what point do you allow words to hurt you? And can you, by practicing self-awareness, consciously decide the amount of hurt you feel? We can’t control how others choose to talk to us, but we can control how we choose to react to them.
Can you, by practicing self-awareness, consciously decide the amount of emotional hurt you feel?
It should go without saying that there are times when being hurt and standing up for yourself are completely and utterly warranted. I believe that these times are specifically dependent on the relationship with said commenter, the degree of the comment, and the amount of times in which the comment(s) have arose. In my situation, this was a one-off comment with no ill willed intent behind it.
We can be deliberate in the way we choose to feel every day of our lives. Whether it is good feelings, or bad feelings, we can take conscious steps to feel more of one then the other. Being conscious of the way I was feeling, I had chosen to take a step back. I journaled about it, talked about it, and slept on it. I finally came to the conclusion that this person meant nothing negative by this comment and determined that the comment itself was purely harmless. I chose not to give it any weight and by doing so, allowed the feelings of hurt I was experiencing to move on. This, coincidentally, allowed me to be happier and put more focus into the present.
In being self-aware, one can take a stronger stance in what they believe to be true about themselves and their livelihood. If somebody makes a comment that you know is not true, it is much easier to let it go, rather than to dwell on it. This process forces you to believe in, and to be true to yourself. It forces you to question the things that people say to you; to be curious about their intentions, their reasoning, and your own ego.
Be curious about their intentions, their reasoning, and your own ego.
Hurt will come at all levels, but I believe that we have power over the way that we allow it to affect us. Here are some of my tips for not getting so hurt and for thinking before reacting:
Ignore it. If the comment happens in the middle of a 'live' conversation, choosing to ignore it can be one of the best ways to avoid giving away your power. By ignoring whatever was said, you are able to silently speak volumes by implying that what was said doesn't even justify a response. Not only that, but silence avoids arguments, and having the ability to choose your own battles is a virtue.
This is a good tactic to use when somebody is trying to get your attention by saying something that might irk you or cause you to react.
Acknowledge the Positive. If the comment does happen to be backhanded or sugarcoated, acknowledging the positive and moving on can be a good way to let somebody know that passive-aggressive communication doesn't work for you.
This is a good tactic to use in a professional environment, whether you're getting (not so constructive) criticism from a superior or feedback from a boss.
Keep your Sense of Humor. Some times, the best thing that you can do is choose not to take the other persons comment all that seriously; especially if they don't know what they're talking about. This person may not know how to communicate their emotions, or may even be intentionally trying to hurt you (hopefully not). Responding with humor can help you avoid getting snide.
This can be a good tactic in most situations and can help you navigate uncomfortable conversations with a little more humility than you might have otherwise. This scenario can be seen in sarcastic comments where it was taken just a little too far.
Address the comment. In certain situations, it may be best to address the comment in order to alleviate any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. I would recommend taking a moment for yourself to think about what was said and what you want your response to be. Sit on it for a while if you are able to; blowing up at somebody in the moment is never a constructive way to deal with wounded emotions. Take a few deep breaths and make sure that you have a level head when confronting the person who has hurt you; wait until you are able to speak to them candidly before talking it out. By default, starting your sentences with 'I feel' statements will allow for an open and level conversation, rather than placing blame or being condescending.
This is a good tactic whenever you can't stop thinking about the comment that was made, if it went too far, or if they're repeat offenders.
We have the ability to maintain composure when we are emotionally wounded. It takes practice, but it is possible. Some times, letting it go is the healthiest thing to do- talking with friends, writing, or getting your frustration out in other constructive ways is most beneficial. So too, is communicating with the person who has hurt you. In the end, it is up to you to decide how to go about dealing with hurtful comments, but your action is and always will be in your power.
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