"Doesn't she look like a whore?" "I wish you could just eat like a normal person." "What is wrong with you?" And the list goes on. Shame envelopes where you had once developed confidence, and your spirit wilts. You're confused, wondering how you got to this point. You tell yourself that you didn't see it coming; that you were blind sided. And then you beat yourself up for not knowing.
It's an unfortunate story that so many people today seem to share: being on the receiving end of abuse. Whatever kind of abuse that may be, parental, familial, through work or friends, and maybe even from the person you're dating or married to. Abuse does not discriminate. It chooses its victims at random, and rears its ugly head just when you think things are alright.
For clarity's sake, today I will be writing specifically about partner/spousal emotional abuse.
I didn't know all that much about emotional abuse when I realized that it was happening to me. I knew that something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I was so happy, so full of life. And then, suddenly, I wasn't. It happened so fast. It was almost as though I had been blind. Being the social, caring, and patient person I was, I accepted my partner with open and loving arms. Subconsciously, I began to internalize what was happening; regarding their emotional upset as being my fault. So, when they got mad, I was an easy scape-goat. When they got sad, I was their happiness. When they were happy, everything was great.
I was so happy...and then, suddenly, I wasn't.
In my first emotionally abusive relationship, I don't think I ever recognized the extent of the abuse. In my mind at the time, I just knew that something was wrong and I couldn't handle what was happening. She told me that couples 'fight' all the time; that this was normal. But deep down, I knew that it wasn't.
I was naive at the time, assuming that everyone would 'treat others the way you want to be treated'. Throughout life, I have learned that this phrase is flawed. In my experience, we treat others the way we have been treated. We only act by what we know. And though there is an exceptional group of people, who, against every odd, defied the very way they were raised and worked hard to be mentally and physically healthy adults, that number is very low.
Trauma and abuse are staggeringly prevalent in the U.S. At least 70% of adults have had one traumatic experience in their lives at some point in time, and 20% of those adults go on to develop PTSD. Furthermore, on average, nearly 20 people per minute are abused by an intimate partner.
Nearly 20 people per minute are abused by an intimate partner.
We aren't born with abusive behaviors, we are taught them. By friends, by family, by partners. Like the saying goes 'hurt people, hurt people', and there are so many hurt people on this planet.
Again, I would like to recognize those who have done the work in seeing their own toxic traits for what they are. Everybody has them, but there are few who decide to acknowledge and actively challenge them.
I became sick. Physically and mentally. I was depressed and ill. But I stayed. Regardless of the pain I felt, all because I didn't know better; because I seemed to have forgotten what the act of love is. Those who love you will not shame you; they will not scream, or threaten, or berate you. Love is the antithesis of abuse. And yet, this knowledge had been temporarily forgotten. They warn you of rose colored glasses, but they never tell you that through them, red flags are invisible. Once you recognize the patterns, you are usually neck deep in them. I was consistently love-bombed and then made to feel less then; such is the cycle of abuse. In the moments of 'good', things seemed to be so good. I finally felt like I could relax. For a moment, I wasn't walking on egg shells. But, these moments were few and fleeting. And within the blink of an eye, everything was my fault again.
They warn you of rose colored glasses...through them, red flags are invisible.
This relationship lasted on and off for the span of a year. Within that time, I completely lost myself. I lost my job, I had to relocate, and I developed IBS. It wasn't easy to remove myself. Without the help of my friends and family, It would have been immensely more difficult. I would like to say that this is the end of my story, but unfortunately, life is not so kind. Until you learn the lesson that is offered, you will repeat the same story. And so, a year later, I did. The level of abuse and tactic had jumped to a new height. It escalated quickly and I found myself in a similar suffocating situation. The only difference is, this time, I found my voice. I started going to counseling the moment that things took a turn for the worst. Most of my sessions were repeats on how or why I needed to leave, what my plan was, and when I was going to act on it. Looking in on an abusive relationship, it is easy to say 'just leave', but when you're stuck inside of one, the fear is almost insurmountable. There is a fear of retaliation, a fear of being hurt, a fear of the unknown, and so on.
"Choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship is a matter of opinion. The opinion that being in this relationship is better then being alone." This is one of the few nuggets from my sessions that I distinctly remember; it put the relationship into a new perspective for me. Was being in this relationship really better than being alone? Eventually, you are worn down. The trying seems futile and you feel emotionally frail and spent. Going home fills you with so much dread, you take the scenic route and sit in your car as long as possible. Every moment of every day is spent with mild anxiety, and you start to ignore your own truth. But instead of ignoring it, I chose to lean in. Eventually, I broke through. I spoke up, I stood up, and I chose to walk away. This dissolution ended with another relocation and loads of therapy. It ended with paranoia and PTSD. With insomnia and negative body image. But it also ended with freedom. Freedom to be apologetically myself, to learn myself, and to love myself. To reconnect with the things I want and need for my life. To better understand 'red flags', unhealthy relationship attachments, and assumptions. It ended with closer friends and family, and a better grasp of self worth.
The end of this relationship was the beginning of a better relationship with myself.
If you know somebody who is currently going through an abusive relationship, let them know that you are there for them. You may have to assert boundaries for your own mental and/or physical health, but the best thing that you can do for your friend, is to remain in their life. When I was going through my own battles with abuse, I lost somebody who I considered to be my best friend. It almost broke me down all over again. This is not to say that you ever need to step in or save them, this is not your place. But it does mean to check in on them, to make sure that they are okay. Remember that looking in on an abusive relationship is vastly different than being in one yourself; you cannot see everything that goes on behind closed doors. Be patient and understanding, and keep in mind that even if you know that your friend is being abused, they may not know or accept it for themselves.
If you are going through an abusive relationship, I am so sorry. Know that you are not alone and that there are ways to get out and become independent again. This is not the end, but the beginning of a new chapter. Do not allow your truth to be taken away from you: you are in control of your own life. Whether you have to stay with a friend, family member, or even relocate, there is a way out. I would suggest seeking therapy, whether it is in person or online, for guidance from an outside perspective. (I have attached the counseling site I used and recommend). Dependent on your situation, breaking up in person may not be the safest option. If you do decide to go this route, make sure that you have a friend with you and are in a public area. Otherwise, know that there is no harm in breaking up over the phone or via text message if you are physically or mentally in danger. You may be scared, and that is okay. Your world will not be shattered, for it has only just begin. Do not fear the unknown, do not fear regaining your control. Remember what love looks like, and remind yourself what you have been shown.
Abuse is the antithesis of love.
Site for affordable therapy in your area: https://openpathcollective.org/
Quiz to determine if you are in a healthy relationship: https://www.loveisrespect.org/for-someone-else/is-my-relationship-healthy-quiz/
Works cited:
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