Let me preface by saying: I can't believe how much can change over a few months. Weeks, days, hours, and minutes. Seconds even. In the drop of a hat or the blink of an eye, your entire world can be completely tilted upside down.
It's safe to say that I've been caught up in the wave of life; such that, seeing what's below the tide has become increasingly challenging.
Within the last five months: my mother and step father have taken on a court battle, my sister was diagnosed with a malignant cancer, my companion dog Pluto broke his spine in a freak accident and had to be put down, and then I got laid off. It really can start to feel like 'one thing after another' when you're in it; and some times it is. Sometimes remaining calm and happy becomes the challenge of the day, and making it till noon without bursting into flames (fine, tears) seems futile. And yet, here I am. One 'Major Depressive Episode' diagnoses later, still in one piece, writing to share my experiences with you.
Sometimes, life sucks.
And there's only so much that you can do about it. As we get older, we start to realize that the only thing that were really in control of is ourselves. This can be scary when things seem to be crumbling around you, completely out of your control. And with everything going on in the world right now, I'm sure I'm not the only one. When the external pressures of life become too great, we, as humans, tend to do one of two things: react externally, or react internally. This can look like being more extroverted than normal, seeking outside attention and validation, dressing differently, acting differently, picking fights, etc. Or, it can look like isolation, introversion, and ignoring the world around you. I, personally, tend to do a bit of both.
It isn't surprising to me that tens of millions of people are suffering with depression, high anxiety, or general stress disorders right now. The world as a whole is not doing well. And when you add a pandemic, revolution, and presidential rollercoaster to the mix, it's only to be expected. How are we, mere humans, expected to deal with our own personal stress on top of global implosion? How are we expected to bounce back when we may not have the means or experience to do so? The last few weeks have caught me in a chokehold; my normal daily practices no longer suffice to diffuse my internal turmoil. I continue to do what I know I need to do for me, and at the end of the day, some times, it's not enough.
I used to live by the saying 'everything happens for a reason', but when death and heart ache and pain are at every corner, it's hard to feel like these experiences have validity. I digress, for this too is out of our control. Everything does happen for a reason, even if it may feel muddled as it unfolds. The reasoning will always be there, though it may not reveal itself until days, months, or years later.
I am lucky enough to have found a job within the same week of my lay-off. Not only was I re-employed, but I was also employed into a position that I am currently in school for. Furthermore, when I was laid off, my lease was also ending, and rather than continuing our long-distance commute, Zoe and I decided to move in together (i.e: I moved in with her).
So, within a week, I was laid off, rehired, and then suddenly having to move all of my belongings either into storage, or rearranged into the apartment. Safe to say, November has been one hell of a month.
I would like to say that everything is better. Getting the job helped. Moving in with the love of my life also helped. But sometimes, even when things seem to be 'getting better', there is still so much residual stress that it feels even more depressing knowing that those changes didn't fix it. And you know what? Thats ok.
In a world that is slowly opening up to the not-so-taboo ideas of 'mental health' and 'compassion fatigue', I am here to remind you that feeling 'in over your head' or overwhelmed is okay!
In times like this, my motivation is hope. My motivation is knowing that 'this too shall pass' and that, given my life experiences, this is just another thing that I know I can get through. Whether or not I have to fight my way out is another story.
I guess, at the end of it all, what I'm trying to say is this: Don't give up. No matter what happens, or what life throws in your direction. Don't stop taking care of you and doing things that make you happy. Don't stop reaching out to people you love. There will be continuous bumps in the road. Unfortunately, that's just how life is. But what makes life beautiful, is getting over them. Finding yourself on the other side and seeing how that 'bump' allowed you to become more resilient.
Comments