We all have them; bad thoughts, that is. Some times they're louder than others, and some times you can hardly hear them. But, throughout life, we will all suffer from the jab of our internal self-critic at one point or another.
When I was younger, they used to be deafening. They would tell me things about my life that were wrong- things about my body, my hair, my clothing, my voice, my achievements and my goals. Whether or not I was getting any outside validation, the thoughts strove to tell me otherwise. As a teenager, I had body image issues. These eventually broadened into food issues and drug issues. I wasn't doing well in school, my relationship with my family was rocky, and the company that I kept didn't have my best interests in mind.
I would like to start by saying that any change, big or small, doesn't happen over night. Especially if it's a new habit or goal you are hoping to implement or achieve. I thought, many times, that what I was doing was wrong before I actually stopped. I had many 'this isn't right' moments where I questioned my own actions; so many moments where I thought twice. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes three times before it actually happened (though I was only a 'social smoker'). The thing about 'trying' is that it's half-assed. You can 'try to do' something until you're blue in the face. The magical thing about it, is that if you remove 'try to', all that remains is 'do'.
This happens to be the same when it comes to negative thoughts and thinking. Like a child, we can allow them to walk all over us until we're tired, bruised, and beaten, or (like a child) we can tell them to stop, and if they don't, they get a time-out. Growing up, we never learn how to maintain positive thinking. We are told to be positive, but we are never taught how. As young adults, we enter into a harsh realization that we may not be 'this, that, or the other'. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and the list goes on. You no longer have the validation that you once did from close friends and family. Now, you have to fend for yourself against your own internal critic. Most often, we allow the voices to grow to exceptional levels. Feeding into what they say, we purchase make up, fat loss supplements, wear specific clothes, dye our hair... We develop low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and addictions. We compare ourselves to others and pick apart the things about ourselves that 'aren't good'. Instead of practicing positive self-reflection, all we see is heinous misconception; the fog is so heavy from years of societal pressure that we can't even see the beauty in what we are.
We are not born with negative thoughts, we are taught them. The beauty in teaching, is that there is always a way to unlearn and remaster a new skill. To turn your face in the presence of personal oppression. It can take years to unlearn something that has been so deeply ingrained, but it can be done. Learning, in all aspects, takes practice; unfortunately, positive self-talk does not evade that. The challenges that we face when confronting the skyscrapers of negative self criticism can be daunting; the fact that they are within us can make the journey feel even more suffocating. If they are not challenged, they will never go away.
Provided below is a list of steps that I have taken (and still take) in order to challenge the negative thoughts that I face every day. There will never be a 'one size fits all' when it comes to personal care, but there is a size just for you- search for it, and it will be found. The first step is trusting yourself enough to look.
When you start to put yourself down: Whether it just started, you're in the midst of a thought, or they're already spewing away; take a moment to breath. Recognize what you're feeling underneath the negative. Are you having a bad day? Did somebody upset you? Are you feeling uncomfortable in your space? Taking moments to understand when and where the thoughts develop can help you navigate those places, people, or situations that bring them up. If you are in a place where you feel uncomfortable, you can begin to notice when you need to move or excuse yourself. If you're watching something or reading something that pushes you out of your boundary, you can change the channel or read something else.
Challenging the negative: When I catch myself in a self-critical spiral, I make it a point to stop myself mid sentence and change the narrative. When I recognize that I am having negative thoughts about my body, I challenge those thoughts by thinking about all the good my body does for me. For example, sometimes I become fixated on my stomach. In these moments I consider eating less or working out more in order to change my appearance. I will place my hand on my stomach and remind myself that I need food to function properly and that my belly is a safe haven for all of my internal organs and microbes. That I workout in order to feel good and strong, not to punish myself for eating too much.
Be thankful: In moments when negative thoughts feel overpowering, countering them with thankfulness can be an easy 'distraction' and act as a way to get your positive thinking back on track. When I am faced with the disappointment of failing a final or missing out on a job opportunity, I remind myself how lucky I am to be able to go to school and to have had the opportunity in the first place. If I am feeling uncomfortable about my physical appearance I remind myself how lucky I am that I have working limbs, nerves, and organs. When I am beating myself up about being 'too emotional' I remind myself how good it is to feel, and that feeling in the way that I do is a blessing.
Note your thoughts: Instead of getting down on yourself for having negative thoughts, get in the habit of 'noting' them instead. Just, 'oh, they're back'. And then you can watch them go. This reinforces the habit of not reacting to the negative (which will enforce continued negativity), and instead creates space for the production of positive thought processes.
Have faith in where you are going: When I am in a negative head space, it often has to do with my outlook on life. But when I think about it as a 'short-run' verses 'long-run' scenario, it usually helps me rationalize and breakdown my negative thoughts, which helps me 'debunk' the feelings themselves. If I miss the gym one day, or eat too much, or fail a final and start beating myself up about it, I consciously try to think about it in the long run. Will missing the gym for one day ruin the rest of my life? Will eating too much for one day destroy me? Does failing a final determine my worth? For the rest of my life? 99.9% of the time, the answer is no. Having faith in the long term can allow you to be more positive in the short term. If it doesn't happen right now, who's to say that it won't happen tomorrow? Trust in yourself and in the process.
Get out of your head: If, no matter what I do I just can't shake the feeling, I force myself to get out. Literally. Even if I don't feel like going on a walk, or hanging out with friends, or being in public, forcing yourself to be in society when you're dealing with an overwhelming head space can allow you break the thought cycle. Even if it means just calling a friend or family member, having a light conversation with somebody else about something else can help negate whatever's going on inside.
There is something to be said about the practice of positivity. The serenity that is a consistently peaceful mind. While nobody, and I mean nobody, is completely positive 24/7, 365, there is a way to practice being more positive in your everyday life. And the more you practice, the easier it gets, and the more positive you become.
Practice patience with your positive thinking, and so too, your problems will part.
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