Three weeks ago I realized I was burnt out, so I decided to take a break from school. It was at this time that I realized that I had been going for 700 days straight; without even one day off. I decided that, once I finish this semester, I was going to ask for a three month sabbatical. That I needed that time to take care of myself.
Two and a half weeks ago, I started getting dizzy. Not your normal 'oops, I stood up too fast' kind of dizzy, but the 'holy shit I think I'm going to faint' kind of dizzy. The dizzy where your vision starts to go black and you feel like you might fall if you don't sit down right now.
Two weeks ago I decided I needed to find a new job. I had been working as a temporary employee at a production company for six months, without benefits, protected time, or security. Sure, I had been doing what I dreamt of for years; I had finally gotten my foot in the door of my career and was working with an incredible company. But as time continued, I began to fear that I was never going to be hired on. So, I started looking. I had sent out twelve resumes by the end of that week and secured four interviews.
For the last two weeks getting up in the morning has been a challenge. For the last week, my left eye has been twitching. And for the last three days, I've been having trouble taking complete breaths.
A few weeks ago, during a moment of realization, my mother said:
"We are Human Beings, not Human Doings. So why the fuck do we always feel the need to keep doing, when we should just be?"
Since then, I have been pondering this. As her daughter, I have taken on her work ethic and 'persistent' personality. If we are not doing things, we are not productive. And if we are not productive, we must be lazy or complacent.
I know that I'm not the only one. It is hard to 'just be' in a word that perpetuates the idea that if you are not doing 'x, y, or z' then you must be flawed. When I slow down, I become uncomfortable. The words 'slacker' and 'couch potato' ping-pong in my mind, giving me anxiety about taking a step back. So this week, I tired to take a step back. When does being hyper-productive and active change from self-help to self-hurt?
'Being' means existence.
We are here on this Earth with no other reason than to exist. To be. Whatever that may mean for you; the world is your canvas. Too often we, as a society, forget that we do not have to fall pray to the tsunami of productivity that is a new age social norm. That we still have the choice to step back and take a break; that there is nothing wrong with stopping.
I realize that I have internalized productivity. It is one of my core competencies, and I am damn good at it. I now face the challenge of easing into rest and solitude.
And now, three months later, I can promise you- It is worth it. Taking the break is worth it.
Though I have been spending my 'free' time filled with other tasks, I now have the time and energy to do the things I love. I wake up in the morning excited, beaming, and ready for the day. I am rested and focused and determined. My workouts are better and my mental state has returned to its normal rhythm. The things I've been doing in my free time are things I wasn't able to do before, like rest, art, and reading.
There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first.
Do what you want to do. Allow yourself the opportunity to exist.