Dear Pain,

Ho’oponopono prayer:

"I am sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you."

I have been grieving a lot lately, trying to understand the depths of it all. Studying Francis Weller's "5 Gates of Grief" and feeling it all at once. Feelings can uncomfortable. Other times, it's also liberating. The things that I once used to cope, no longer serve their purpose. Therefore, I have to dig deep and try new things or even do some old things differently. Allowing myself to genuinely feel anger, to sit with it and to not justify people's unintentional short comings. I am allowed to be mad and sad. I am also allowed to feel the other spectrum of emotions such as joy, pride, and a sense of 'fuck yeah'! Satisfaction. An ebb and flow of feeling, accepting, exploring, then refining understanding and internal composure. When this is hard, it's important to reach out to trusted people, for comfort, insight, and validation. I am blessed. Thank you to my support systems.

Through a recent breakthrough I felt the need to write my pain a little letter. It went a lil' something like this:

Dear Pain,

I am sorry that I ignored you. That I wasn't taught your true meaning. I know now that that you are a distress signal- a warning sign. Thank you for always being there for me with good intentions and for attempting to lead me to safety. I know now, that you were calling, sometimes yelling for help; and never received it. I understand, please forgive me as I build trust with you. I am here now, to comfort you, to love you and to set you free.

I have been learning that emotions are a filtration system, not facts. They are very fleeting. Sometimes, when we experience an overpowering emotion it can consume our sense of time, then we realize that we had a bad day, maybe even an hour or five. Emotions tell us a lot! They tell us when we are in alignment, when we are figuring something out, when a healthy boundary has been crossed, or if you are in danger. There is a wide spectrum of emotion which can incite an internal adventure; this can lead us up a path to a deeper comprehension of self. What works in this moment and what doesn't. It can prompt us to ask questions like, "where is this coming from?", "how can I make this moment better for myself?" or "hey, self, I just wanted to check in. Did you eat today? Have enough water? What do I need in order to be okay in this moment? And what am I grateful for?"

I want to remind you that it is within our nature to grow, whether we acknowledge it or not. We are constantly changing, learning, unlearning, and experimenting as we adapt. We still grow when we are exploring the polarities within ourself, the 'good' and 'bad,' the 'desirable' and 'undesirable' sides of ourselves. When we 'regress' we have an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding as to why there is still some residual emotional gunk. We are continuously refining our dualities. This work is hard and necessary for our evolution, on our pursuit of whatever it is that we are pursuing. One analogy that helps keep me grounded is to make sure that I am tethered to light before I go into the darkness. Sometimes, I still find myself fully submerged in the abyss. And that's okay. I am strengthening my ability to tap back in to myself and hone into what I need. This practice is helping me build trust and becoming deeply rooted within myself. It takes time, compassion,

I reached out to one of my mentors, he said something that really allowed me to keep my future, relationships, and anxieties into perspective by saying: "Care, but don't carry." Focus on the next right thing that is in front of you, the opportunities that are happening now. Gain clarity on your vision. What your needs are and what are you able to be flexible with. What will add more joy into your life? Start there- so that you can show up authentically and model joy for the work that you do, the life that you live, and to honor yourself. Opportunities will always present themselves.

"Care, but don't carry."

Things to think/ journal about:

• What does each emotion tell you? Can you recognize an opposing and comforting emotion that you can welcome as you experience fervor (intense and passionate) feelings?

• Make a "To Feel List"of the emotions that you want to carry with you throughout your day.

• How can I cultivate more joy, laughter, or a sense of calm? (This is where true power comes from)

• What are my warning signs for when I start to feel overwhelmed?

-when I am overwhelmed, how can I get back to baseline?

• When you have a negative story replaying in your head, what new narrative can bring you comfort or help the moment be a bit more manageable? What is the opposite of the "negative" story?

5 gates of Grief

Francis Weller (website)

1. Everything we love, we will loose

2. The places that have not known love

3. The sorrows of the world

4. The sorrows of the world

5. Ancestral grief